... when only one person, besides me, in my tutorial knew what the word 'satire' meant? And that one person was the teacher.
... when someone needs to ask for help in the post office because they're not sure which side of the envelope to write on or whether they need to use stamps.
... when university students need to ask what 'First Person' and 'Third Person' mean.
Friday, 21 August 2009
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Customer of the day #11
Scene:
A girl and a boy arrive at the candy bar. It's clearly a very busy night and the girl behind the counter is looking tired and frazzled.
Girl customer: Hi, can we have a large... (turns to her boyfriend)
Boy customer: Yeah, whatever.
Girl customer: OK. One of those please.
(pause)
NG: So... did you want a large combo?
Girl customer: Confused expression No, we just wanted a large coke.
NG: Right, of course.
___
My fault really, I left all my mind reading equipment at home.
___
Edit: You remember my very first customer of the day? (The one who asked about live chickens in the cinema) Well, last night I served a woman who looked like a chicken. She even had a feathery jumper on.
A girl and a boy arrive at the candy bar. It's clearly a very busy night and the girl behind the counter is looking tired and frazzled.
Girl customer: Hi, can we have a large... (turns to her boyfriend)
Boy customer: Yeah, whatever.
Girl customer: OK. One of those please.
(pause)
NG: So... did you want a large combo?
Girl customer: Confused expression No, we just wanted a large coke.
NG: Right, of course.
___
My fault really, I left all my mind reading equipment at home.
___
Edit: You remember my very first customer of the day? (The one who asked about live chickens in the cinema) Well, last night I served a woman who looked like a chicken. She even had a feathery jumper on.
Monday, 27 July 2009
Top 5...
...disgusting things that have been found at my work. (Not always by me, thank goodness)
5. The black stuff behind the coke towers.
You don't need to worry about this too much because no foodstuff ever makes contact with it. Nonetheless, it disturbs me that we don't know quite what it is or how it got there.
4. A blocked toilet
It was blocked because someone had flushed a big plastic cup down there. And then someone else had used it.
3. Semen stains on the seat.
I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.
2. Vomit on the carpet.
The best part about this was that the person in question threw up just as the movie was starting and we're not allowed to stop a film for cleaning or clean while people are in the cinema. So the people in that session were left to deal with it for 2 hours. I don't think they noticed though because I actually had to tell them not to sit next to the vomit and the only reaction I got was "Oh, I thought I could smell something odd."
1. Pee in a cup.
That's right, someone finished their drink (I hope it was their drink and not someone else's) and decided the movie was too exciting for them to leave and go to the toilet. So they peed in the cup and left it there. Isn't personal hygiene fun?
5. The black stuff behind the coke towers.
You don't need to worry about this too much because no foodstuff ever makes contact with it. Nonetheless, it disturbs me that we don't know quite what it is or how it got there.
4. A blocked toilet
It was blocked because someone had flushed a big plastic cup down there. And then someone else had used it.
3. Semen stains on the seat.
I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.
2. Vomit on the carpet.
The best part about this was that the person in question threw up just as the movie was starting and we're not allowed to stop a film for cleaning or clean while people are in the cinema. So the people in that session were left to deal with it for 2 hours. I don't think they noticed though because I actually had to tell them not to sit next to the vomit and the only reaction I got was "Oh, I thought I could smell something odd."
1. Pee in a cup.
That's right, someone finished their drink (I hope it was their drink and not someone else's) and decided the movie was too exciting for them to leave and go to the toilet. So they peed in the cup and left it there. Isn't personal hygiene fun?
Thursday, 16 July 2009
What you didn't know about Jesus...
I was at work the other day getting ... hmm, how can I say this delicately? ... thoroughly bored. Mondays are never big days at a cinema and so, to amuse myself, I started writing out the words to 'Lord of the Dance'.
I got as far as:
"I danced for the fisherman, for James and John"
before being eventually called away to do some work. When I got back, I found that a co-worker (who shall remain nameless, for now) had added a few extra lyrics. So, for those of you who don't know, this is how 'Lord of the Dance' goes:
I danced in the morning when the world was begun
I danced in the Moon, the Stars and the Sun
I came down from Heaven and I danced on Earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth:
Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He
I danced for the scribe and the pharisee
But they would not dance and they wouldn't follow me
I danced for fishermen, for James and John
I danced for Batman, for he is the bomb
I danced like a madman, I was taking a chance
I called out to everyone, to look at my pants
I was feeling the beat, oh how I was funky
I call this next dance move 'doing the monkey'!
I got as far as:
"I danced for the fisherman, for James and John"
before being eventually called away to do some work. When I got back, I found that a co-worker (who shall remain nameless, for now) had added a few extra lyrics. So, for those of you who don't know, this is how 'Lord of the Dance' goes:
I danced in the morning when the world was begun
I danced in the Moon, the Stars and the Sun
I came down from Heaven and I danced on Earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth:
Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He
I danced for the scribe and the pharisee
But they would not dance and they wouldn't follow me
I danced for fishermen, for James and John
I danced for Batman, for he is the bomb
I danced like a madman, I was taking a chance
I called out to everyone, to look at my pants
I was feeling the beat, oh how I was funky
I call this next dance move 'doing the monkey'!
Friday, 10 July 2009
I have a life outside of you
(albeit a small one)
So, I sent off my entry for the Adelaide Review Short Story Competition today, the prize for which is to get said story published! :D
Oh, and you also get some bottles of wine if you come first. But, frankly, I couldn't give a damn about those. Really. Don't let my uni status fool you, I am actually sober for a surprisingly large percentage of my waking hours.
I won't hear back from them until September 10th and until that time I'll be living in hope. But (and I hope I'm not jinxing it by saying this) if I'm not selected for publishing, then I'll put the story up on my lovely blog. So we can be certain of at least one post in the month of September.
So, I sent off my entry for the Adelaide Review Short Story Competition today, the prize for which is to get said story published! :D
Oh, and you also get some bottles of wine if you come first. But, frankly, I couldn't give a damn about those. Really. Don't let my uni status fool you, I am actually sober for a surprisingly large percentage of my waking hours.
I won't hear back from them until September 10th and until that time I'll be living in hope. But (and I hope I'm not jinxing it by saying this) if I'm not selected for publishing, then I'll put the story up on my lovely blog. So we can be certain of at least one post in the month of September.
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Customer of the day #10
I suppose I can't blame this boy for being so confused. After all, a straight tunnel lined with numbers in chronological order is tricky navigational feat, even for the best of us.
Customer: Excuse me, where is 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen'?
Me: That's in Cinema 4.
Customer: Is that the one that says 'Night at the Museum'?
Me: No, it's the one that says 'Transformers'.
Customer: Is it the one in the 5?
Me: No, you want the one with the big number 4 on it.
Customer: I can't see a number 4.
Me: It's down the end. After 5. It has green doors.
Customer: OK.
I'm not sure how I did it, but somehow I managed to convince him that he really was meant to go where his ticket (and the numbers on the doors) were telling him to go.
***
Oh, and as a little side note: Who brings their 2 year old daughter to see 'Transformers'? I mean, honestly, it's violent, loud and filled with sex scenes and metal music. Admittedly we don't have many kids movies on at the moment, but even so.
But, apparently, more than one family last night didn't see that as a problem.
Customer: Excuse me, where is 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen'?
Me: That's in Cinema 4.
Customer: Is that the one that says 'Night at the Museum'?
Me: No, it's the one that says 'Transformers'.
Customer: Is it the one in the 5?
Me: No, you want the one with the big number 4 on it.
Customer: I can't see a number 4.
Me: It's down the end. After 5. It has green doors.
Customer: OK.
I'm not sure how I did it, but somehow I managed to convince him that he really was meant to go where his ticket (and the numbers on the doors) were telling him to go.
***
Oh, and as a little side note: Who brings their 2 year old daughter to see 'Transformers'? I mean, honestly, it's violent, loud and filled with sex scenes and metal music. Admittedly we don't have many kids movies on at the moment, but even so.
But, apparently, more than one family last night didn't see that as a problem.
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Customer of the day #9
... is not so much crazy as a little bit creepy.
I was standing at the tunnel entrance (where the cinemas hide) waiting to check people's tickets and pretend I care if they enjoy their movie or not. A man comes towards me, his arms laden with candy-bar goodies.
He says, "My ticket's just in my front pocket there, love."
Apparently he saw nothing strange in what he was proposing, which was that I (a girl young enough to be his daughter) reach in and feel around in the front pocket of his jeans for a ticket which may, or may not, be there.
My response: "Ummm... why don't I just hold onto the popcorn for you?"
***
I also have a quote for you, from our friend Crazy Football Fan:
"English is the bastardised language of pretty much every European language in the world."
That is opposed to European languages not of this world. I suppose he has a fair point in that.
I was standing at the tunnel entrance (where the cinemas hide) waiting to check people's tickets and pretend I care if they enjoy their movie or not. A man comes towards me, his arms laden with candy-bar goodies.
He says, "My ticket's just in my front pocket there, love."
Apparently he saw nothing strange in what he was proposing, which was that I (a girl young enough to be his daughter) reach in and feel around in the front pocket of his jeans for a ticket which may, or may not, be there.
My response: "Ummm... why don't I just hold onto the popcorn for you?"
***
I also have a quote for you, from our friend Crazy Football Fan:
"English is the bastardised language of pretty much every European language in the world."
That is opposed to European languages not of this world. I suppose he has a fair point in that.
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