Thursday, 29 October 2009

"Jinx" that's the word I should've used in Scrabble...

Would you believe that, actually, I didn't jinx anything at all?

I got a call today to say that, not only have I got that job, but the reason they took so long getting back to me is because they didn't have enough spaces available. However, I was just too awesome an applicant to pass up and so they've given me a spot anyway!

I suppose, technically, what this means is that I have caused a supermarket to be overstaffed with my powers of awesome. Which, in turn, means that I am stickin' it to the Man... just by having a job and getting paid. Yay capitalism!* An economic system so convoluted it is possible to undermine it and benefit from it at the same time... why, yes, that does sound familiar...

I look forward to sharing all these new crazy customers with you. What adventures await, only time may tell...

*Not a sentence I say often, as you can imagine.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Can I 'ave spam instead then? #3

Golden, golden flotspam for you today:

Rosalva Uranga: Grand plan. How to conquer world

Need any more be said?

Monday, 26 October 2009

Oh deary, deary me

For this to really work, I'll need to give you some background information on my workplace:

Contrary to popular belief, movie tickets do not just magically appear. Nor do they appear from magical, shiny computers made within the last decade. Where their conception actually takes place is under a bench* from three pieces of technology, all from different eras, but all with a general "oldness" about them. There's the screen, the hard drive** and the printer.

The hard drive is not in its prime. If it had a personality it would be a bald man whose comb-over doesn't quite reach the other side and who wears brown, polyester blend cardigans.*** Nonetheless, it's an important bit of equipment. It is, in fact, the most important bit of equipment we have (besides the projectors) and so you would think we'd take good care of it.

We do not.

But I hadn't realised the extent of our neglect until today. I needed to move the hard drive forward bit to fix up the cords at the back. But it seemed to be stuck... how odd. I got one of the guys to help me because they are both naturally strong and good with computers****. But he couldn't movie it either.

Finally we dislodged poor Mr Hard-drive and found out what the problem was... coke syrup.

The most important (albeit personality deprived) piece of equipment there had been fused to its shelf with coke syrup! And this was old syrup too, I could tell by the smell.

Is there something in the Oc Health Safety guidelines about mixing computers with liquid? Especially sticky liquid.

* Which is held together by blue-tack and sheer will power from Head Office because they're too cheap to give us a new bench.
** I'm fairly sure it's a hard drive. But we tend to refer to it as "the computery thing".
*** So, ironically enough, if it had a personality it would also have no personality.
**** Not as much of a stereotype as you might think because that statement is pretty much true for all the male employees I work with. I wonder if it's been planned that way...

Sunday, 25 October 2009

I jinxed it

What I was talking about in my last post was that I might be getting a new job. But I didn't get it, which is a pity because I imagine the chances for crazy customers are increased ten-fold as a checkout chick.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

How exciting!

I don't want to jinx anything, so I'm not telling you the full details just yet. But I may need to change my 'About Me' in the next few weeks. Depends on whether I get a phone call...

(Sorry for the cliff-hanger, everyone. But I'll update you as soon as things are certain.)

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Can I 'ave spam instead then? #2

I'm so glad I've found a useful thing to do with spam.

This one, my favourite, is a from "Vicky Fuqua" and I must say I'm very impressed with her ingenuity. I mean, bringing the reader in with a question is a tried and true method of spammers but I love the innocent nature of this one; "Saw my sunglasses?"

(It's actually rather refreshing to get something in my spam box that doesn't ask me if I want a bigger penis. I was almost tempted to read it.)

Second place goes to "Shirlee Osumybar" simply because I like her name. Although, her subject matter "Based on this crap" should not go unnoticed.

Then, lastly I'd like to give an honourable mention to "Dr.Jin Chung" who sent me "YOUR TRANSACTION DETAILS". I like a doctor who knows that shouting at people is the best way to convince them you're legit.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

A public service announcement

When you go to see a movie in 3D, you receive a pair of 3D glasses. Great, excellent, everybody's happy.

When your 3D movie experience is finished, you don't want to hang onto those cheap, plastic glasses, do you? No, of course not! You're a busy human being with children hanging off arms demanding love and/or attention.

So, with this particular problem in mind, we have created a box. It's a wonderful box into which you can place your 3D glasses and allow them to be recycled. You get rid of the glasses and can help save the planet. Yay!

Now, just to be clear, the box with the giant picture of the 3D glasses, much like the ones you are currently holding and with a big sign on top that says "Recycle your 3D glasses here" is the box that you put the glasses in. Yes, it's strange, I know. But, instead of getting all caught up in the sense and mechanics of the situation, let's just assume that this is, in fact, the place to be putting the glasses.

I promise, nothing bad will happen if you just drop the glasses in there. You don't need to double check this with the cinema staff who are patiently waiting for you to just hurry up and leave. Promise. The box knows what it's talking about.

Further to this point; the correct place to put your rubbish is in the rubbish bin. Now I know that the rubbish bin doesn't have a sign on it, telling you just what to do. But surely you've grasped the concept by this stage? If not, maybe you could put your rubbish in the rubbish bag being held out towards you by one of the helpful staff members who are saying "Rubbish? Any rubbish, you can put it in here," over and over again while gesturing towards the bag.

So, glasses go in the box with the picture of the glasses on it. Rubbish goes in the rubbish bin. Not the other way around.

Has everyone got that? Good.

99... a hundered!

I'd been thinking I'd have a Customer of the Day for my 100th post but then an amazing thing happened and it was too good not to tell you about. So, in celebration of my centennial, I would like to introduce a new segment to my blog which I like to call...

Can I 'ave spam instead then?

In which I relay the hilarious flotsam and jetsam of the interweb which I find lodged in the six-pack holder that is my spam folder.

Today's flotsam is from "Brenton Hesser" who tells me "We-rape-blondes! 1day-free"

Well, that's just dandy, Brenton. Thank you for sharing. A spamming prize pack is on its way and you should receive your baked beans and spam in 8 - 12 business days.